Post AuDHD Diagnosis
In my last post, I discussed having a lot of loss during that time. What I didn’t explain was that, after going through ADHD testing, I found out in December that I have ADHD. I was previously diagnosed in May with Autism. I am now apart of the cool kids club. ADHD and Autism, AuDHD.
There’s a moment I wanted to discuss during the testing that really shook me for a moment. When I was receiving the ADHD results, I could see my symptoms were more severe than I thought. I had always categorized myself throughout life as “I can only hold on to so many tasks and people before it all falls out of my arms”. I did well in school and I didn’t have that much interpersonal conflict at school (at least I thought I didn’t). I sat in my chair and was the stereotypical good student. I didn’t struggle with focus or needing to move around a lot. I was just an incompetent person who took on a lot and struggled with properly taking care of myself. At one point previously, it was normal for me to shower every other day because showering every day was a huge ask when I had so much going on.
I was shook
when I found out the results. How could I have this? I must be incompetent. I must have cheated the system. The doctor listened to my concerns and saw the results and felt firm in his diagnosis of ADHD and Autism (previously diagnosed). He then told me “you’ve had to do a lot to stay above water, haven’t you?”
I noticed tears in my eyes. Validation. From a doctor!? Who would’ve ever thought that could happen? I felt so many tears because I had expressed to so many doctor’s previously that I experienced so many symptoms that they considered idiopathic unless it could be considered weight related.
Symptoms:
Exhaustion All Day
Difficulty focusing on social situations
Difficulty taking care of self
Difficulty managing finances
Difficulty with impulsive tendencies
Difficulty with emotional eating
Not being able to relax
Mood shifts
Their Rationale
Previous doctors found unique ways to not look further. “You have excess weight so that is having an impact on your energy. You’re eating too much because you love food and you’re fat. You have bi-polar symptoms (not diagnosed). You should do more mindfulness. It’s all trauma. I don’t think you have ADHD, I think it’s trauma.”
I felt so much suffering that I would change so much of myself in order to find relief. I lost 80 pounds of weight and still felt tired and like food controlled my life. I assessed myself for mania symptoms and found I didn’t fit the criteria. I tried building a mindfulness routine and practicing it with my clients as often as I could. I am going to trauma therapy and noticing shifts in my behaviors but not my energy level.
I felt so much frustration. Was this my life? Was there something I couldn’t see?
what clicked
I knew my partner had ADHD. I saw parts of myself within him. I felt empathy for him but didn’t want to because that would mean I was validating my experiences of it too and that meant I could’ve had it on top of my Autism. I wanted to get tested while I was still covered by insurance so I went and got tested.
Immediately after the test, I had a hunch that “I think I have ADHD”. The QB test was so difficult for me and I had to try my hardest to complete it.
When I received the diagnosis and the validation, I felt so much empathy and connection from the provider. I wasn’t just incompetent and not doing enough. I was putting in a lot of work to stay above water and it was impacting my energy levels tremendously.
After receiving the diagnosis, I did choose medication management for my treatment option. After starting the medicine, I noticed relaxation and positive effects of feeling energy to do things while being relaxed and not as stressed. It wasn’t like how neurotypical people describe it where they say “I can do anything and everything and it’s amazing and wonderful and I don’t sleep and I am god!”
When I take my medicine, I feel calmer and more capable. When I get home, I am not exhausted from the day and need to start planning out pros and cons for doing work or going to sleep. I can do work and take care of the home a bit and go to bed.
My emotional eating decreased as well. I started noticing that I could notice my hunger cues more and that I wasn’t always searching for “the good feeling” anymore. I described food to providers previously that when I ate, it was like the biggest high I could feel and when it was over, I didn’t want it to end. I now notice that food is not controlling my days anymore.
I feel like a more whole version of myself. Wise-mind isn’t this thing to try your darndest to think about. Wise mind is just there more often than not. It’s not something to always search for. It can be just the experience. It feels powerful!
How does this relate to DBT for Me
Well, it’s open for interpretation. One, I am taking care of illness which is a part of PLEASE. Two, I am problem solving my symptoms and treatment. Three, I used FAST a whole lot to ask for what I need (even when it was really hard). Four, I spoke about my wise-mind experience. Five, I can now attend to my behaviors that need further looking at, like not attending to my chronic pain.
What I want to encourage is listening out to find your synthesis between trusting others (i.e. medical doctors for me) and advocating for yourself. There were plenty of people telling me that I do not have AuDHD. There were plenty of people that told me I was wasting time and just searching for another diagnosis. There were plenty of times I had to really hold my ground and feel anger towards the people that didn’t believe in my symptoms in order for me to want to advocate for myself.
I feel anger that people didn’t believe me. That I searched for so many answers for years and just heard I lack “willpower and discipline”. Now more than ever, I want to become better than anything they can be. I want to hear and understand others more than ever.
Please take care of yourself in this new year. Advocate for your health needs and symptoms. Be serious when expressing your level of pain, suffering, dysfunction, symptoms, and etc…. while remaining mindful using observe and describe to notice and express; using DEARMAN, GIVE, and FAST to advocate for yourself. You can do this! I know you can! You’ve gotten this far in life and you deserve to not experience suffering! Lots of love!
TLDR:
I was diagnosed with ADHD and felt so listened to and angry towards others. I used observe and describe mindfulness skills in order to continue with DEARMAN and GIVE FAST to ask for what I needed from medical professionals. I discuss my symptoms and experiences pre and post diagnosis of AuDHD (mainly focusing on the new ADHD diagnosis).