I want to feel needed

I want to be needed. It’s an addiction that I didn’t realize I had. Of course, I think everyone has this addiction, but I’ve had some situations that have caused me quite a bit of pain. It all stems from that idea. I want to be needed.

When we think of wanting to be needed, it comes down to this; we want people to rely on us or need something from us.

For me, in my relationships with my family and friends and past romantic relationships, I want to feel needed. I feel empty when I am not needed; like I don’t have a purpose in life or that my life isn’t even worth it at times. My counselor would say that it stems back to my previous experiences and I agree with that.

Throughout my life, I didn’t hear from someone unless they needed something. I have many family members that I will not hear from unless they need me. My whole life was brought upon this idea that if I’m not needed, then I’m worthless. I was always taught that I can’t ask others for help but I better sure as hell be there for someone when they need help.

This idea of being needed is unfortunately toxic. It’s hard for me to even type that out. I realized that it was toxic today. I have an ex-boyfriend that I want to still be my friend. He has been struggling a lot with things like depression and financial situations due to unfair experiences that unknowingly happened. So, I began to open my heart and my wallet up for him. I felt happy about it.

Everyone told me that I was in an absolutely messed up situation. I was told “why would you even continue to be around him? He’s using you!” I didn’t listen to that and I still don’t listen to that. He didn’t use me. I wanted him to use me. This isn’t a Stockholm syndrome situation; I literally enjoyed him using me (get your head out of the gutter).

I was so happy when he relied on me. But he didn’t want to rely on me. I forced him to rely on me.

Today he told me that he didn’t want to rely on me anymore. That if he made mistakes, they were his mistakes and not mine. I cried. I have honestly been crying all day from it. Knowing that I am not needed makes me feel empty. My whole life, I have been trained and told to be needed. I’m in social work for god sake, and we want to empower our clients; but maybe I have misinterpreted that for wanting to be needed.

It’s hard for me to explain this idea of wanting to be needed. But I can say this. My whole purpose in life, so far, has been made for other people and what they needed. The only way I was social was if someone needed me. That’s toxic. I need to stop.

I don’t know what the next move is. I don’t know what to do in my life right now honestly. I kind of feel like my purpose in life has just been shattered. It’s kind of like a scenario where your questions and worries have been answered, but you don’t want them to be answered; wanting to be ignorant and not change things.

Maybe that’s a situation in my life that I have to deal with. Maybe it’s a new stepping stone in my life. A barrier that needs to be taken down or crossed. I’m nervous. I’m scared. But I’m strong.

This will be an evolving topic more than likely. So, until next time….

XOXO,

-Sterling T. Grissom